How are we the same?

How are we different? How are we the same?
How are we different? How are we the same? These are the fundamental questions of the work that we do at Sparks of Change. What’s interesting is that they never get old precisely because we are dynamic human beings who are growing, shifting, and adapting.

Why the fish?
It’s a beautiful fish and I’m told that it’s important to have photos to catch people’s attention but the fish really does serve a purpose here:

Does a fish know it's in water?

[pause] Huh?

How much does a fish know about its environment? Maybe not so much…UNTIL it’s out of the water and has the comparison case of realizing that water is what it’s always known. We use the fish in and out of water as a metaphor for culture because that’s what it’s like for us, too. We often aren’t very aware of our own culture—the behaviors we do, the rules we follow, the values that inform our behavior and rules—because it is just the way we do things around here. There isn’t a reason to notice it or name it. 
 
That is, we aren’t very aware until it gets violated in some way. One of the reasons that the 90s sitcom Seinfeld was so funny for many US folks is that it drew our attention and put catchy phrases to some of our cultural rules that we maybe didn’t even know exist.  Have a look at the close talker. Or the low talker. Or the pick. Ok, so most of us could probably name that as a no-no for public spaces but the humor is that it’s a surprise when our social norms are not followed. It can also be awkward. 

And it can lead us into judgement and othering.
 
And that’s where we turn to intercultural competency because our ability to connect with those who are different starts with our own ability to realize we have expectations, rules and ways of doing things. It’s about our ability to go beyond the initial gut reaction of “that’s wrong!” The teaching isn’t always explicit, but one way or another we each have absorbed how much space to maintain when talking to coworkers or friends in most US settings. And you know that it should be closer if you're about to declare your love.

We maybe can’t put a number on it but I bet you could show me that it's about “yea long.”  It’s different for different situations and we somehow have learned and follow them without even thinking. The thing is, these things are socially taught and it’s easy to follow our gut reaction to pass judgment and want them to be just like us. But the skill of intercultural competence is to get curious about what’s going on, asking about the values that inform their behavior, and realizing that it is always tied to culture. THEN, we must work to find a way to bridge and connect our sometimes different ways of doing things. 

The other important thing to note here is that these are unwritten rules and that can lead to problems when others are expected to adhere to them but have never been told what they are. This is how we isolate coworkers unintentionally, how we judge an introvert as less of a leader, how we make assumptions about ability when the root cause could simply be a different set of rules for behavior.
 
So it’s really key that we commit to being curious about our own cultural programming, the behaviors and programming of others and develop skills that help us to connect when those differences make us feel like a fish out of water. 
  
At Sparks of Change, I help you develop the skills to connect across gaps, across the differences in our identity, our beliefs, and our ways of being. I help you stop struggling with differences and learn how to connect.

 

From the archives, August 2019